Owning the Internet

  I like to comment on YouTube videos. It used to be that when a person gave an opposing view – and by 'opposing view' I mean wrote something offensive, usually along the lines of being a fag – I would argue with them about the point. I would put my rational facts forward, and they would put forward their equally critical ad hominems. So I would tell them they're argument was flimsy, and they would tell me I was a faggot. Quite funny really. I'm not even gay.

I remember arguing with a guy – actually, a number of guys on a number of different videos – about gun control. There'd been another massacre, a school massacre I think, where a large number of six year olds had been gunned down. It was my position that guns were a bad thing to be given to citizens. They had their place in the military where they could be used to fight people who wanted to cause genocides, but that was it. I was informed that if one of the teachers had had a gun, that they would have been able to shoot the attacker. I put it to him that maybe the teacher would not be the best person to be put in charge of a weapon whilst around children of an age where all they do is make you want to kill them due to their poor grasp of logic and ability to annoy the fuck out of you. He called me a faggot.

I had an argument with a guy about religion. Then another religious person joined in and basically told me that what I was proving to them with facts and evidence was in fact false because bible.

Within the past few months, however, I managed to perfect a technique where I cannot lose an argument on YouTube or indeed be made to look, in any way – wrong... or a fag. It's quite easy, and now I get compliments all the time about how funny I am, and that I own the internet and that I should be a writer. For someone who would love to be a writer, they are the perfect compliments.

So, the secret to owning the Internet:

Be Funny

Be Intelligent, and

Be Silly

But also:

Extend an olive branch

Say the words: "No, I'm just joking. You're all right!"

And if they continue to flap their hands at you:

Tell them you love them, and

Tell them you'd like to do homosexual things to them (but with love)

And finally, agree with their abuse, then make it look ridiculous.