Lack of Empathy

Long term abuse - severe abuse - causes psychological damage. It's that simple. I had a bad marriage. I was abused very badly and had most of my power stripped from me, and if I stood up to my ex-wife, she would physically attack me. I couldn't hit her back because she was a woman. It left me with an insecurity complex and whenever I am left powerless it affects me emotionally. It still affects me to this day.

I was in university. The module was Page to Stage. Basically, it's drama, and I'm learning how to be a Director. There's a young PhD student (who is a teaching assistant) who has been bothering me for about two months now. What I mean is, for some reason he chooses to ignore me or acts like he needs me to know my place. In a different module - Literature, Adaptation and the Screen - when I answer questions he usually gives me no feedback, doesn't address what I've said or simply asks the same question to someone else and ignores what I've said. Thankfully other people noticed this and so when I brought it up with them they agreed that they had noticed it and that it was weird that he did it. In Page to Stage, although I'd had professional difference of artistic opinion with him, I had had no problems with him.
That is until yesterday, Friday 11th December.
My acting team had been a bit of a disappointment to me by not knowing any of their lines two weeks after I had given them to them (this also being less than two weeks before the performance). It had been difficult getting everyone into rehearsals together and on the first rehearsal we had agreed on, they decided not to turn up to university and only let me know after I had messaged them. I thought this was pretty unprofessional of them and it really disappointed me. I let it go as I didn't want to cause any bad feelings. I didn't say anything to make any of them feel bad about letting me down.
We had a rehearsal the next day (which was a Tuesday) and the following Friday. We then had another rehearsal the following Monday (two and a half weeks after I first gave them the script) and they still had to work fully from their script. Again, I said nothing.
We rehearsed the next day and then the following Friday - yesterday.
The young PhD student was working with the groups. When he approached us I was discussing character with one of my actors. He wanted us to gather round him. He was quite insistent that we do it immediately. He wasn't messing around it seemed. This annoyed me as I was doing something constructive.
He then left us to work with others.
We carried on rehearsing. It was going smoothly.
He then came back and asked us to gather round him. Less forcefully. I told him to give me a minute as I was discussing character with one of my other actors.
When we went over to him he completely took over my production. This really bothered me. I am very opinionated and very intent on making it my own work. But he wasn't just working with us in an 'overall' way giving us suggestions, he was working on minutia and very specific details with my actors, and not consulting with me on any of it. I could feel myself beginning to get quite annoyed about it and was just waiting for him to leave us so I could take over again.
A few minutes later my actors showed us something he had told them to do, looking quite eager to do so. Whether the suggestion was a good one or not, I couldn't decide as I felt my constructiveness and artistic appreciation had been compromised. One of my actors asked me what I thought. I stood up and started walking towards them and said, "Well-"
It was at this point he interrupted me, walked in front of me, started to talk over me and addressed her question himself.
I turned towards a table with a pint glass on it almost in a fury and said quite angrily, "Fuck me!" The thought of throwing the glass went through my mind, but I simply pressed my fist into the table top and tried to get a grip on what was going through my head. One of my fellow students asked me if I was okay, and the girl he was talking to stayed quiet. She seemed quite uncomfortable. I decided immediately that I needed to leave because I know from experience that the next thing that happens is that I become quite forceful towards the person antagonising me.
I ran the events through my mind the whole cycle ride home. I knew that what had happened was not good, but I was left with either stay and make myself look like a psycho, or leave (which meant leaving my four actors without their director). The PhD student was still there to give them advice and the actors all have experience, so even though it was not ideal, I knew it would not be like leaving a child alone in a pub.
When I arrived home I tried to calm down before reading the messages that would be awaiting me. I was expecting messages asking if I was okay and asking what happened. There were two messages. One saying it was wrong that I left them without saying anything and the other agreeing with the first message.
I replied that I was feeling really angry about what had happened and I really didn't feel like being told off right now.
The response was that she was not telling me off, but it was wrong for me to leave them like that. Although I adore the person who was writing it (I know the positive feelings aren't as mutually strong - she isn't an idiot) I shrugged my shoulders to her message that she wasn't aware that telling someone they were wrong to do what they'd done and that they'd let them down was in fact telling them off (no matter how sugar-coated was the intent).
The other two actors agreed with the first two letting me know that it was wrong of me to do what I'd done, which basically helped to keep me stressed out. The messages continued sporadically until early evening, until the last one came through by itself, long after, at 9pm. She told me what I'd said to them was not justification for what I'd done and it was very unprofessional. I'd had enough of it all by then and told her not to include me in any more conversation on the subject. What I really should have asked was: what did you hope to achieve by sending me this message now? (after all, she had not said anything the others hadn't already voiced). It would've been interesting to know what her reply would have been.
I heard no more from them. But I knew a few of them were out together at another student's birthday party, so this obviously bothered me a little as I knew they would be reliving their day to other people and I would be seen as the irrational bad guy in their retelling.
The next day (today) I sent them a document I had said I would send them the day before at a time when all was happy. No one replied, or acknowledged that I'd sent them it. They mostly don't reply to my messages over the weekend apart from one of them. She didn't acknowledge that I'd sent the document.
So, now I'm left feeling quite low. Contemplating leaving my degree course. Nothing is going to change for me. If I leave now I will have less debt. My degree will probably not help me once I graduate anyway as I can't change the person I am or the age I am.
What made things just that little bit worse, by the way, was my housemate. she is the mother of my daughter. She doesn't particularly like me and resents me living with her. She tries to avoid conversations with me unless there is something to say. Well, i tried to reach out to her just by making conversation about the baby so that I might be able to off-load some of the stress I was feeling. The downside of any conversation I have with her (something which had slipped my mind quite frustratingly) is that she takes everything I say to her about the baby as an attack on her. So she got pissed off with me which exacerbated my chagrin.
So I was left alone with no one to talk to and with no one to share my problems with. Maybe this would've been the perfect time to tell my actors how unprofessional I had found their behaviour on that first rehearsal day and that me walking out 45 minutes early rather than acting like a psycho really was my only option. I am emotionally damaged. I know this. But I also have a functional brain which provides me with the ability to choose between the lesser of a choice of evils. Long term abuse - severe abuse - causes psychological damage. It's that simple.