When I Was Born

1 Nana
1 Grandad
5 Great-Aunts
1 Mother
1 Father
2 Aunties
2 Uncles
4 Sisters
1 Brother
A collection of cousins

Then I had 5 nephews and 4 nieces.
2 sons and 1 daughter.
Then another daughter.

All I have now is my youngest daughter.

I wish I could kill myself.

15 to 1 and 1 out of 7

In 2003 I decided to apply to go on to the Channel 4 quiz show 'Fifteen to One'. I had to go for an 'audition' first which was a mock show. There were many people there and we went up in groups of 15. I was in the third group.

I went onto the platform and went towards the centre and stood behind position number 7. As I turned round, there was a fragile looking man walking towards me who smiled and said, "I was going to go there." Not wanting to make a scene I smiled and said, "oh, okay." The only position left open was number 1. I didn't want to go there, but it was all that was left.

The questions started and I got my first one wrong. Position number 2 got their's right and I also knew that answer. I also knew the answer for the fragile looking man at position number 7 and the last position - number 15 - before the questions came back round to me. I got my second question wrong too. I knew number 2's question, number 7's and number 15's. Back to me, and I got my question right with 'osteoporosis'. I think I knew both 2's and 15's questions, but I know I definitely knew 7's.

After that, I didn't get another question right. I got 1 out of 7. I knew all of Position 7's questions.

I didn't make it onto the televised show.

It took a long time to calm down and I was fuming on the journey home. That fucking Number 7. If I ever saw that cunt again I'd make sure the twat really was fragile. Every fucking question. I knew every fucking question at position 7. The motherfucker. Hope the cunt got kicked off first... and got AIDS (but not from his time on Fifteen to One... or from his time on Fifteen to One... I'm easy... just as long as the cunt's dead... or dying).

Year 2

I'm predicting that in Year 2 at university we won't be given the option to write something creative, but will only be allowed to write a genre chosen for us. Although, saying that, we were allowed to write what we wanted in Creative Writing. It was only in Drama that we had to write something with something specific in mind. Basically I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Shut up, Chris.

Friendless Zone

I'm sick of having no one to talk to. I just need someone to talk to. I have no one to talk to. I need a friend. Just one.