Quitters Inc.

I'd like to quit. I can't take the stress. I can't take the 'nothing happening all the time' and still having stress. I can't take wondering about things all the time and never knowing. I want to get up tomorrow morning and go and hide somewhere until the house is empty then go back and just do nothing the whole day. Or I'd like to find a few million quid and live off that. I'd go and do the things I have to that'll get me close to square with the world, and while I'm doing that I'll be going to nice restaurants and going to the theatre and the cinema, I'll be looking for a lovely house somewhere and driving a beautiful car. I'll attract a gold digger who won't know that she's gonna get nothing but what I want to give to her. And once I'm ready, I'll be going to America and going exploring. I'll be doing the things I would've wanted to do if I'd married a sane person all those years ago. So many fucking years lost because I married a cunt. There's a lot of bad luck flying around and it had to land somewhere. It landed on me after it was done with Andy Dufresne. But he was lucky. He was just a character in a Stephen King novella.

A Poem - Started 26th November 2015

I'm gonna write a poem. I haven't written a poem for about a year. Maybe less. But I want to write a poem on here. I think I'll write the first draft, then when I change something I'll write it above the first draft so I can see how it evolves. It may not be an interesting process, but it'll be a process. Nowt wrong with that. [Smiley face]

FIRST DRAFT

What do I feel strongly about right now?
I just don't know what to write.
The empty lives of neighbours and passers-by
Outweigh the bulging lives of cattle

There is little drive to drive the wheels,
But the wheels turning still
On the track with the lines the only guide
And the glasses must come off soon.

I fix the loan of tankered mists
And help myself to a ginger biscuit
With an army for a nose in the impenetrable
Foe of the newly minted shores of forgiveness.

A haystack falls in silence and no one can hear the
Pin that has fallen through the cracks
It pierces the night with a sharpness only few have witnessed
But now it is stuck. It is buried in soil that was never meant for a pin.

It slows now.
Like a snail at snails pace
The trail of the snail writing its history on the slab
The slab the only future for the rest of us.

[Okay, so that's the first draft. I struggled for something to write, then I moved into stream of consciousness mode and wrote only bilge-water. Sue me. (Please don't sue me). I'll write the next draft above this one when I feel the need]

Be Like Jesus

Don't let other people down when you're all supposed to be pulling in the same direction. Pick up the rope and pull. Don't drop the rope and start pushing in the other direction. If someone asks you if you'd like to join him, say either yes, no, or be as quick as you can to give an answer. Don't take ten - yes, that's right - ten days to make up your mind. It's disrespectful and completely out of order. It only took Jesus two days to die on a cross. Be like Jesus and be brief when you're hanging around and don't leave people... hanging around.

They Never Said Columbus Wasn’t Fat

We’re sometimes told that everyone thought the world was flat before Columbus sailed to the New World. This is a fallacy. There was a guy from Greece who discovered that the world was round in 300BCE. He was so accurate that his estimation was only 1% out. Eratosthenes was his name. Mathematics was his profession. I don’t know what his game was. But the Columbus fallacy came out of laziness, being used by Washington Irving as an embellishment in his biography of the 15^th Century explorer maybe as a way to pad the book out and deflect attention away from Columbus’ more genocidal tendencies. But, from there it became adopted by anyone who wanted to make a point about how we should put little weight behind the Argumentum ad Populum – the argument that, just because most people believe something to be true, does not mean it actually is so. My own favourite way to counter anyone who tries to use the ‘a billion Chinese people can’t be wrong’ assertion is to quote Mahatma Gandhi: ‘Error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error just because nobody sees it. Truth stands even if there be no public support. It is self-sustained’. He may not have been able to conjugate the verb ‘to be’ (making him sound a country bumpkin) but I’m sure you’ll agree, it is quite profound nonetheless.

Sharpe's Downfall

My name is Islington Sharpe. My friends at the club call me shagger. I mean, that's not true, they called me shagger once after I had relations with a horse, but they usually just call me pin. Short for pinhead and related to Sharpe – Sharpe being my last name as I wrote two lines ago. I used to have a fear of frogs. One exploded on me after I found it inflated on the pond at our summer home in Spain. No, sorry, not Spain. Portugal. Hmm, it was one of those places. Mediterranean. Hot as shit. Frogs that swell up in the heat and explode, as I recall.

But that was then, and this is now.

We don't live in Surrey anymore. Daddy took a hit in ’05 and we moved to get away from the gossip. We live in New England now. Daddy bought a house for mummy, but she died just after her Green Card arrived. I love New England. The colours. The trees. The yacht is my first memory, if I'm honest. Watching Daddy sail away with his chums. Mummy used to get awfully drunk when daddy was away. She'd cry when Uncle Stephen left too. Told me not to tell daddy about Uncle Stephen. She says, even though they aren't brothers, they hate each other all the same and daddy would get angry to know that he'd visited mummy while he was away with the boys.

I loved Uncle Stephen. He used to take me out for walks in the morning so mummy could have time to rehydrate. Alcoholism is such a bind in mothers. I do miss her.

I once bought a spot of land in Slovakia. Best thing I ever did. The price has rocketed ever since the locals were relocated. We found oil which is now officially ours after the court hearing. Twenty years of oil. That should take me over ten billion. We're already thinking about where to start with the fracking process, but we don't want to do that while the oil is still chugging up. The stock prices rise every day. I check them every morning.

But I do miss Uncle Stephen. I think about him often. Thinking about him now… but then again, I suppose it would be impossible not to think about them when you're writing about them, what. I just wish he hadn't disappeared like that so soon after mummy’s passing. I needed a shoulder. A big strong shoulder. But, off the face of the planet. It's like he was burned to dust or dropped in the ocean somewhere. I just don't know. I regret not telling him I loved him. I wanted to show him my Lamborghini. I got it with my inheritance. I love my inheritance. In a way I'd say it's my greatest achievement. Mummy used to say she’d never leave me anything, but I managed to worm my way into her good books… with some help from Uncle Stephen. I carry a lock of his hair with me in a little case. I have it in my pocket right now. There you go Uncle Stephen. Giving you a nice stroke. You liked to be stroked didn't you? I have this recurring dream where he's my Golden Retriever and we frolic on the fields. He used to sing a song to me: ‘Alice’ by Roy Chubby Brown. It's my favourite song. I think if I was forced, I'd seriously consider giving my life for that man as long as there were paramedics and doctors standing by. I loved his scent. I used to say ‘you know, Uncle Stephen, if I was a woman, I'd fall for you so hard’. I said it too often. But he always smiled. But now, all I have is Daddy, and I never see him. Hardly ever.

Poor mummy. Poor me.

So, it came as a huge surprise when daddy found out about me and Uncle Stephen. He was furious. He wrote me out of his will. That was failure number one. Number two was the uprising in Slovakia and the dictatorship of a man whose name I have difficulty pronouncing. I lost the oilfields. As all the property I had was in daddy's name, that became failure number three. Failure number four was not knowing about Unemployment Benefit. I was basically starving for three weeks, living only on water provided by the food bank. I don't eat tinned food, you see. Gives you cancer.

But then I met Jason and Susie. Such charming people. Collectively, they have thirteen teeth and they smell a little, but I only know that because people hold their noses around them. I have anosmia from the accident on daddy’s yacht. The swinging sail that knocked me overboard. They said it was a good thing I lost consciousness when my nose broke or I would've died of a heart attack when the shark showed up. Attracted by the blood, you see.

Lovely people, Jason and Susie. They told me about Job Seeker’s Allowance and so now I get free money. I give them half to help them get by, but no matter how many times I tell them about mummy, they just won't stop drinking. “Ach, that'll never happen tee us, ye dumb bastard ye!” I told him that studies show that the more alcohol you drink, the greater is the probability that you'll die from alcoholism. He said, “Scottish people, de ne die fre alcohol, see-me? Scottish people, especially fre Glasgee can hold their liquor. See me...”

I did see him. I saw them both, but I couldn’t understand a blessed word they were saying. Though, if I could – understand them – I’d check out what they said on the computer if I had the money to buy one. As it is, I just took his word for it.

And I love their accents. They remind me of the servants we used to have in our London home. ‘Jolly Scotch Fuckers’ is what daddy called them. But when he said it, it was as though he didn't really like them. I love them though. Have you ever been to the highlands? Oh, lovely place. Was thinking about buying a tent when I have enough money and asking for a lift (just to remind me what it was like to have a chauffeur, what). I was thinking, when I get there, I'll pitch up somewhere on the coast and just sit and watch the sea and the sun when there's a gap in the clouds.

Yes. A gap. I think I'll just sit there until I get too weak to do anything about it and I fall over from exhaustion. Too weak to move my eyes so all I can see are the waves and I can think about the yacht and Uncle Stephen and… well, then it'll be over and I'll be in heaven and I'll finally find out if the rumours were true about why Uncle Stephen disappeared.

I'll see if I can come back as a ghost, just like the Jedis do and give daddy a surprise. Hopefully that'll finish him off and he'll be together down there with mummy. They never did like the heat that much. Pity.

Intolerant, Ignorant and Crass

Everyday I get offended by the ignorance of others. Their beliefs in astrology, spirituality and religion. Three subjects which I like to call 'The Supernatural'.

Yesterday, as I scrolled through my Facebook newsfeed, I saw that one of my friends had left a comment regarding another atrocity in Paris. I turned on the news to find reports of carnage (that carried the foul odour of Islam within it). 40 dead. 100 hostages. Gunfire. Bombings.

Most of my friends were putting statuses such as 'our prayers are with them, 'pray for them' etc. This grates at me. The cause of Islamic terrorism is due to their belief in the supernatural and the scriptures from where there misguided and harmful dogmas are perpetuated. My comment therefore was:

'40 killed so far and 100 hostages taken. Why? Because they are angry that some people don't believe in their invisible friend.'

a 'friend' of mine who believes in the supernatural (Christian flavour) responded:

'you come up with some incredible nonsense but this is easily the most crass, insensitive and ignorant post I've seen from you. Of course, I haven't read them all'

An almost witty final sentence. I respected him for that. I was also angered though. He had written this on my wall where people could read it and have their hatred of me reinforced. (we must keep hatred quiet as it's not nice). Now, I had already got the feeling this guy didn't like me from his tone at times, but I had always been respectful, friendly and supportive towards him (although I never kept my beliefs regarding the supernatural quiet around him). All that being said, here is my reply:

'That's a powerful argument, ....... Tell me where it's crass. Tell me where it's insensitive. Tell me where it's ignorant. The only part of your comment I have any respect for is your attempt at humour in your last sentence. I apologise if you have some kind of attachment to the supernatural, but that's something you'll have to get over all by yourself.'

I was still annoyed though, so I started to write another reply which began: 'How dare you write something like this...' - it was at this point Imogen pooed in her pants and I had to go and shower her (she's 27 - you'd think she would have learned to go to the toilet by now). Anyway, when I came back down, I started to rewrite my second reply:

'You[r] comment was pretty low, ....... If you're going to write something brusque, at least have the decency to tell us all what you believe to be the cogent arguments so we can all see the ridiculous nonsense that goes on inside your head'

It's never good to get into these arguments. I need to vent. People who don't like me are upset when my venting is focused on things they hold dear... I wish things were different, but it's not me that defends those who are murdering innocent people.

God I fucking hate people. (I don't kill 'em though)

Week 7

Don't want to belabour the point, but I'm struggling for motivation and I'm struggling to get through the day. I don't know things are so difficult right now. My head just feels wrecked. I need a break. A real break, not just time off. I need to get away. Holiday. I know that's not gonna happen though.

Struggles

Things are just getting too much for me. I'm struggling.

Seeing Life

I watch the Facebook feed. I see people I know with loved ones and friends. I try to remember what that felt like. It makes me sad that this is the way my life has ended up. Maybe I was always destined to lose all my friends. I just wish i had family so I could feel some warmth and affection.