Lost in Translation

SCENE 1.

SOUND OF AN INTENSE RATTLE OF AN AIR-CONDITIONING UNIT. IT RATTLES CONTINUOUSLY. ALL VOICES ARE RAISED TO BEGIN WITH.

CHUBS: Right, I'll see you-

A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

I'll see you next Sunday... no... no, next Sunday.

SPEAKS MORE LOUDLY

(BEAT) No, not next Monday. Next-

RETURNS TO NORMAL VOLUME

(BEAT) Sunday.

ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR, MORE INTENSE THIS TIME.

(LOUDLY) Coming...

SOUND OF HANDLE TURNING AND DOOR OPENS

TREVOR: Hi, I'm Trevor. Millie's- blimey. What's that noise?

CHUBS: Oh, hello, Tony. Come in.

CLOSES DOOR

It's the aircon. I hate it.

TREVOR: Trevor – Why is it-

CHUBS: Been like that since we moved in. Only have it on for fifteen minutes at a time. At least it drowns out the twenty-four seven karaoke from down the street (A FEW BEATS) and the sound of next-door's cock.

THE AIRCON IS SUDDENLY SILENCED AS TREVOR SPEAKS

TREVOR: It must drive you--- insane.

CHUBS: Next-door's cock?

TREVOR: The aircon.

CHUBS: Yeah. Roy says it makes him want to kill me.

SHE LAUGHS.

He loves me really.

TREVOR: Roy is your husband, is he?

CHUBS: Yeah. Just gonna put this back on. Sweats running into my crack.

THE SOUND OF THE AIRCON BECOMES MORE PROMINENT AND THEY SPEAK MORE LOUDLY.

TREVOR: Millie told me his name was – that's so loud – was Ray.

CHUBS: Milk Tray?

TREVOR: No, she thought- hold on a second. Do you mind if I---

THE SOUND OF A CUTLERY DRAWER OPENING AND A KNIFE BEING REMOVED.

CHUBS: Aww, that's lovely and cool. I stand on a chair to cool my backside. Strong chairs these. Got through loads of 'em. (PAUSE) What you doing?

TREVOR: Well, I'd ask if you have a screwdriver (LOW) but from what Millie tells me, probably quicker to use a knife.

CHUBS: What you gonna do with the knife?

TREVOR: Fix your aircon.

SOUND OF A THIN PLASTIC PANEL OPENING

CHUBS: With a knife?

TREVOR: Yes, with a kni- well, do you have a screwdriver?

BEAT.

CHUBS: A screwdriver... erm?

TREVOR: Thought so.

CHUBS: You won't-

THE INTENSE NOISE SUDDENLY QUIETENS TO THAT OF A BLISSFUL HUM. SOUND OF THE PANEL BEING PUT BACK IN PLACE. CRICKETS CHIRP IN THE BACKGROUND. THE BLISSFUL HUM CONTINUES THROUGHOUT, BEING ACCOMPANIED EVERY NOW AND THEN BY SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BUDDHIST CHIME FROM THE ETHEREAL AIRCON

CHUBS (CONT'D): Erm...

TREVOR: Erm?

CHUBS: How did you do that?

TREVOR: I just rotated the-

CHUBS: We have a little man – a local who fixes whatever's broken. Had him out about a dozen times for the aircon. Fixes it every time. Gets worse about a week later, but... charges us five-hundred dollars each time. Cheeky bugger. (SHE LAUGHS) But he has to charge that cos we've no fusebox.

TREVOR: No fusebox? That's really dangerous.

CHUBS: Not in Hong Kong, they say. Cos of the humidity.

TREVOR: Humidity? But we've got a fuse-

CHUBS: He electrocuted himself once. Blew the lights, but everything else just kept on running.

TREVOR: Do you always have the lights on during the day?

CHUBS: (IGNORING HIS QUESTION) He fixes everything. He fixed the taps not long since.

SOUND OF DRIPPING TAPS. TWO DRIPS A SECOND

Hong Kong water torture, is that.

SHE LAUGHS, BUT TRAILS OFF.

Have to call him out again... dripping. But Roy swears by him! He's got no hair left.

TREVOR: Roy?

CHUBS: No. The little man. Frazzled it right off.

SHE MAKES A ZAPPING SOUND AND LAUGHS.

SOUND OF THE KNIFE BEING DROPPED INTO THE METAL SINK

TREVOR: I see. Whoa! That's a big fridge (LOW) next to your TV.

CHUBS: Big appetite. (SHE GIGGLES) It's broke.

A COCK CROWS

TREVOR: (A REALISATION HITS HIM) Hold on...

CHUBS: What?

TREVOR: It's been like this ever since you got here? But you've been here longer than me and I've been here almost a year. How long you been here?

CHUBS: Four years. Bit longer. Five I think. Came here in ninety. What year is it now? Ninety-five?

TREVOR: Ninety-seven.

CHUBS: We've been here that long? Wow! Then that's five years.

TREVOR: (DRYLY) That's seven years.

CHUBS: (INDIFFERENTLY) S'pose so.

TREVOR: And your aircon has been like this- sorry, Millie said your name is- what's your name?

CHUBS: Chubs.

TREVOR: Oh. I heard right. What's that short for?

CHUBS: (PAUSE) What do you mean?

TREVOR: Err...

A SHORT SILENCE

Seven years?!

CHUBS: (LAUGHING) Yeah. Lost hell of a lot of weight through sweating. (PAUSE, CLOSE) Put more on with eating... and drinking.

TREVOR: That's-

CHUBS: But I lost loads when I got dysentery. I was able to fit in to all my old jeans again. Woo-hoo! (BEAT) For a week.

THE COCK CROWS

Blummin' cock.

TREVOR: That's- We're having a party and Millie was wondering if you fancied coming over next weekend. I would've called, but your phone was-

CHUBS: (CAREFREE) Cut-off.

TREVOR: Oh... (LOW) that's a surprise. (NORMAL VOICE) Just bring a bottle, yeah?

CHUBS: Bottle? Err, oh, hey, me dad's sending some Vimto over for us.

Should be here end of next week. I'll bring it if you like?

TREVOR: Vimto? To a party?

CHUBS: (DEJECTEDLY) Just a thought. Everyone likes Vimto.

TREVOR: Yeah, no, sure, bring some, if you like. (PAUSE) Right then I'll be off. Millie's ordered pizza and it'll be-

CHUBS: Ooh, what kind of pizza? Haven't eaten since dinner. What time is it now- five o'clock?

TREVOR: (DRYLY) It's half-two.

CHUBS: I love pizza, me.

TREVOR: Yeah, sorry, it's not pizza. It's something else. She was a bit vague.

PAUSE. SOUND OF ONE CLAP AND RUBBING HANDS

Right I gotta go. See you next week. Nice flat, by the way. Massive fridge in living room... and the cracks give it personality.

DOOR OPENS

CHUBS: Do they? Yeah...

DOOR CLOSES.

CHUBS (CONT'D): You should come more often.

THERE IS AN EXTENDED SILENCE WHILE ALL WE HEAR ARE THE CRICKETS AND A CAR ENGINE BACKFIRING WAY IN THE DISTANCE. CHINESE MUSIC WITH CHINESE FEMALE VOCALS CAN BE HEARD SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE.

(CLOSE) Aircon nice and quiet.

THE SOUND OF THE AIRCON GETS LOUDER AS SHE APPROACHES IT CONCEALING OTHER SOUNDS OUTSIDE. A BUDDHIST CHIME IS HEARD SUBTLY

Aw, man... that. is. gorgeous!

THE SOUND OF PLASTIC EAR-RINGS CLINKING AS THE AIR RUSHES OVER THEM. BUDDHIST CHIME

Oh, so cool.

HER VOICE CHANGES AS THOUGH SHE'S SMILING

Oh, yes. Teeth.

SHE SMILES INTO THE AIRCON AND MAKES A 'NEE' SOUND

Ooh, cold. Teeth. Yeeeeah... ouch! That's too cold.

SUCKING HER TEETH

That was stupid, Chubs.

THE SOUND OF EAR-RINGS CLINKING. BUDDHIST CHIME. IN THE DISTANCE, THE SOUND OF AUTHENTIC CHINESE MUSIC STOPS AND IS REPLACED BY BADLY SUNG MALE KAROAKE.

Ugh. Karaoke. (SHE MUMBLES INCOHERENT SONG LYRICS TO AN INDINCERNABLE TUNE FOR A FEW SECONDS) I like that song. (PAUSE) Hmm, how did he do that with a knife?

FOOTSTEPS WALKING ACROSS THE FLOOR. KARAOKE CONTINUES IN THE DISTANCE. CRICKETS. A BUDDHIST CHIME. CUTLERY DRAWER OPENS. TAKES OUT A KNIFE. WALKS OVER TO THE AIRCON. AIRCON BECOMES LOUDER AS SHE APPROACHES, BUT STILL JUST A LOVELY, BLISSFUL HUM. (A FEW BEATS) BUDDHIST CHIME.

CHUBS (CONT'D): Let's get you open... is it this screw here...?

SHE STRAINS

Come on you-

THE PANEL IS FORCED OPEN AND SLAMS AGAINST THE WALL WITH A THIN THERMOPLASTIC SOUND

Oops! (PAUSE) Now... what was it he touched...?

A COCK CROWS

Let's have a look at you. (A FEW BEATS) Was it this one...? (A FEW BEATS) Just need to-

THE SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC CURRENT – ZAP!

FADE.

FADE IN.

THE SOUND OF AN AMBULANCE'S SIREN.

FADE.

SCENE 2.

FADE IN.

THE SOUNDS OUTSIDE OF THE CHATTER OF CHINESE LOCALS. CRICKETS. SOUND OF AN AMBULANCE TROLLEY. NOISE OF AIRCON RATTLING IN THE BACKGROUND, NOW MAKING CREAKING SOUNDS. CAR DOOR SLAMS. FOOTSTEPS RUNNING ON PATH

ROY: Chubs! What the hell, Chubs?

CHUBS: (WEAKLY) Roy... it was the aircon.

ROY: Aircon?

CHUBS: Yeah. It's making loads of noise, Roy. I think we should call out that CHUBS (CONT'D): little man.

ROY: The little man again...

PARAMEDIC: (CHINESE ACCENT) We must get your wife to hospital. Electric shock.

CHUBS: (NO LONGER WEAK) Yes, yes, thank you, doctor. It was an accident. We can clear it up later.

ROY: Electric shock?! Have you blown the lights again?

CHUBS: Oh it doesn't matter, Roy. My heart stopped for a while, they said.

PARAMEDIC: Not you. Cock have heart attack.

CHUBS: Something good came from it then.

SHE TRIES TO LAUGH, BUT BEGINS COUGHING WEAKLY.

They were on their break singing karaoke at the stall just down the road when all their lights went out. They heard me scream for miles.

SHE CHUCKLES

PARAMEDIC: Very loud.

CHUBS: They're such very good singers, Roy. (SHE SPEAKS MORE LOUDLY) We like it, don't we, Roy? I say to my husband, 'You... very good singer. Good. Good'.

PARAMEDIC: (INDIFFERENT) Very good. Yes. Much appreciated. Thank you.

CHUBS: They're very effluent, you know? I was hanging off the top of the

fridge, but they still spotted me straight away. (BEAT) We'll need all new bulbs, Roy.

ROY: Bulbs? It's three o'clock in the afternoon. I keep telling you. Why do you always have to have the lights on?

CHUBS: Just in case. (REMEMBERING) Oh, Roy! Trevor and Millie invited us over for a barbecue next weekend. We won't take the Vimto. They might not like it.

ROY: Wha-

CHUBS: But while I'm in hospital, pay the phone bill and buy a screwdriver, CHUBS (CONT'D): just for if we ever need one.

PARAMEDIC: Shouldn't be in hospital too long if feel-

CHUBS: Do they have air-conditioning in the hospital?

PARAMEDIC: Yes.

CHUBS: (WEAKLY) Oh, I feel ever so weak, doctor.

PARAMEDIC: Medic only.

CHUBS: (WEAKLY) Oh, I feel so weak, Doctor Mediconly. I think I can see a light.

PARAMEDIC: That ambulance (TO THE AMBULANCE DRIVER. LOW) Crazy Gweilo.

DRIVER: A-ya...

CHUBS: Thank you, doctor. Oh, and Roy... no need to tell Trevor about this...

DOORS CLOSE AND AMBULANCE SPEEDS OFF.

ROY: Who's Trevor? (PAUSE. SHOUTING) You didn't say which hospital! (NORMAL VOICE) Shut up, Roy! (BEAT) We've got some drinking to do.

ONE CLAP AND SOUND OF HANDS RUBBING TOGETHER EXCITEDLY. KAROAKE CAN BE HEARD.

Now then... where's that Karaoke bar? (HE CHUCKLES)

FADE OUT TO HIS LAUGHTER.

END