Friday, 21 September 2018

I Wish I Had a Friend

I do everything alone. I have people I know. I am friendly with people and I have a couple of people who will share a concern with me, but I can count those on two fingers. I have no one who will get into a conversation with me. I have a friend who is supportive and who offers to help with certain things, but he lives 500 miles away and we have very different lives. I have another friend who now lives 6,000 miles away who I share things with, but again, our lives have taken different courses.

I have an old friend who lives 300 miles away. An old friend. I haven't seen him for seven years. I helped his wife with her novel. I read a draft of it and gave very in-depth suggestions. We didn't speak to each other for about 3 years after that. He congratulated me on the birth of my daughter, but our conversation didn't go much further than the pleasantries and excitement this moment brings. 2 years later I discovered that his wife's novel had been published. I too am an aspiring novelist and I wondered why my old friend never mentioned to me that his wife's novel had been published. I keep wondering why I was never told that the book which I critiqued and gave editing suggestions about, had been published. Especially as I too am an aspiring novelist.

I don't feel like I can talk to my old friend anymore.

What really annoys me about his wife's novel is that the draft (which I still have on my computer) was terrible. The story was fine, but the writing was terrible and I found that I could give more than 100 pages of comments because I was basically rewriting it for her... and then 5 years later I find out that her novel has been published.

I have an old RAF buddy who lives in Germany. He has a very happy life and he often tries to encourage me in the things I do. He has even offered to give me £2,000 towards self-publishing something. But that is something I can't do. Being indebted to people, I have learned, is something that always backfires, and, although he has told me he doesn't want repaying and it is purely to help me out, I just can't bring myself to accept his generosity.

After three years at university, I am now 6,000 miles away from the person with I speak the most. We have exchanges sometimes daily, sometimes once a week. But there is never the chance that our friendship could become strong enough that we could do things together. We had a meal at a friends house together once. It saddens me that we never had the kind of friendship where we spent more time together, outside of university, during those three years.

And now I'm alone. What friends I have live hundreds, or thousands of miles away.

I just want someone to be my book buddy. I've just started reading The Stand again after 27 years and I just want someone who could say, "I haven't read that in years either. I'm gonna grab my copy and read it again too." We could talk about the book as we read it, and then at the end, we could pick up It and read that one together. I go to the cinema--I'm a cinema buff and go about twice a week--but I always go by myself. I hate that. It's lonely. Everything in my life is lonely.

I went to the doctor's a couple of weeks ago and told him I had nothing to live for and said I just wish I was dead. The next day I had a call from the Suicide Prevention Team (or something like that). I appreciated that they cared. But I just want a friend. I want to ask if they have seen the football. I want to talk with about what's going on in the world, so I can bitch and moan, and they can bitch and moan back. I want to listen to their problems and let them know that maybe I've been through something similar and this is what I did.

But I have no one like that. I haven't had a close friend to do things with for many years, and when I did, those friendships never lasted very long. It's been over 20 years since I told someone I was going down town to buy a DVD, or a CD. Or would they like to go out for a drink? You would; okay, let's meet at 7:30. This is over for me. Has been for a long time. I was in my twenties the last time I had a conversation like that and it hurts me to think of it.

I just want a friend.

I wish I had a friend.